Ice Ice Coffee

(It's guest post time here in the desert!  The Husband has decided to get into blogging, now [check out his music blogthing here if you're one of those snobby music types who makes fun of the musical choices of others—YES, I ENJOY RICK ASTLEY UN-IRONICALLY, WHAT OF IT?], and even though I still haven't been able to get him to write that chili post, he's deigned to share his thoughts on a few food-related adventures. First up: coffee, the consumption of which I don't personally understand, but hey—different strokes for different folks [or, for those of you lovely readers who are lizards: different drinks for different skinks].)

Hey, look at me: I’m stone-cold guest-blogging up in this joint. Thanks, Wifey, for letting me overtake your blog with a post about, yes, making coffee. Ok, enough dillydallying, let’s get on with it…

Life in the desert can be hot. Really hot.

But friends, I come here not to complain about 110+ degree days accompanied with dire warnings of dangerous heat indices. Rather, I come to help you.

When the temperature is halfway between boiling and spontaneous combustion, it takes a bit of a toll on anything bold enough to venture outdoors to face the elements. Your body heats up very quickly and you soon find yourself sapped of energy—all in all, not a particularly pleasant way to start the day.

However, you are not destined to suffer. For there is a way to partially combat the melting. A very simple way. A way that will not only save your body, but also your wallet.

What is this magical solution, you ask?

Coffee. Yes, coffee. Iced coffee.

Wow, you’re the greatest guest blogger ever. That was a really revolutionary idea there. It’s not like anyone’s ever thought of that before.

Hey, now. Let’s not get too snarky. Ok, sure, there’s nothing too special about what I’ve just told you. You can get iced coffee at any decent coffee shop come summertime. But that is not what I speak of. While your neighborhood coffee shop may indeed provide you with a beverage filled with caffeine, sugar, and coldness, you can do so much better.

Most coffee shops brew up hot coffee at something close to double-strength, chill it in the refrigerator, then pour it over ice when a customer comes in and asks for an iced coffee. Well, that’s bunk. Though that iced coffee may succeed in giving you your caffeine/sugar/coldness fix, why settle for that mediocre product? And why pay two dollars or more for a cup mostly filled with ice—ice that serves to continually dilute your beverage as it melts away?

Allow me to let you in on a little secret mathematical equation handed down to me on golden tablets by The Jeebus: cold-brewed coffee + ice cubes made of coffee = WIN. That’s just a stone-cold fact.

In addition to being delicious and refreshing, the advantage of cold-brewing your coffee is that it tastes less acidic, and the flavor profile is far more robust. You’ll notice fruity and floral notes that you didn’t even know were there.

Well then, time to get on with it and tell you how it’s done. Like with all fine foods, it’s all about the ingredients. In this case, some nice freshly roasted beans. (My Phoenician Phriends: if you get your coffee beans from anyone other than Cartel or Fair Trade, you’re doing it wrong.) Also, it’s about doing some advance planning; cold-brewing means you need to start the coffee-making the night before.

Take your beans and grind them as you would normally. Put them into your French Press at twice the amount you would use for hot coffee, add water, and give it all a swirl. Throw it in the fridge overnight, and then plunge your grounds the following morning. In the meantime, you’ve hopefully already made frozen coffee cubes, which now reside in the ice tray in your freezer. Pour your overnight-chilled coffee into a mug, and add your ice cubes made of coffee. Now here’s the final step, taking your very good iced coffee to the realm of Total Awesomeness: cream. No, not milk. Nope, not half-and-half. And sure as hell not that non-dairy creamer crap with carrageenan and corn syrup solids; that’s just nasty. Straight up cream is how we roll. (Cream rules everything around me. C.R.E.A.M. That’s recursion, y’all!) Heavy cream. Not the slightly de-fatted light whipping cream. I’m talking the full fat (i.e., full of deliciousness) stuff.

Voila, you’re done. And now you can laugh at those suckas paying for watered-down cold coffee at Starbucks.

(In addition to deliciousness that cures your lethargy and cools you down, there are ancillary benefits of making this delightful concoction. Since you’re making your coffee at home, you’re saving cash monies. And since you’re pretty much making this the night before, you’re saving valuable time in the morning — thereby allowing yourself to get a couple extra minutes of precious, precious beauty rest. These are two very important considerations for those of us who are: (a) cheap, and (b) unwilling to get out of bed in the morning.)